SHOULD YOU SEARCH FOR BIOLOGICAL FAMILY?

I’m currently half-watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix while I work.

It runs in the background on my dual monitor while I design.

If you’ve watched this show, beyond all the arguing and bed-hopping, they do touch on some serious topics. Adoption and abandoned babies have both been discussed.

The above comment entered my half-attentive viewing and made me back that episode up and listen again.

Maggie was talking about adoption reunion – the term used for the search for biological family.

She had figured out who her biological father was, and she entered his world to see what he was all about.

And while she wanted that information and craved those details, once she had it she realized that it didn’t solve the problems she thought it would.

As I’ve spent time in adoption groups in recent years, I’ve heard comments from thousands of adoptees who  want to search for biological family. And they often say things like:

• • they’ve always felt something was missing in their lives

• • they felt a strong need for biological ties

• • they never fit in

• • they were different from everyone around them

• • that they are sure that they will solve all these problems once they locate their biological family and have a relationship with them

I wish everyone searching the very best. I truly do.

But I get concerned about the people who make these types of statements.

While solving their puzzle and connecting with biological family may result in all these positives they crave, it’s just as likely – maybe more likely – that the payoff won’t be as hefty as they’d like.

One reason for this is that correlation does not equal causation.

And what I mean by that is……

Yes, you were adopted. Yes, you feel something is missing in your life.

These also are not necessarily related.

Don’t most people feel something is missing in their life at one point or another?

Yes, you were adopted. Yes, you looked different from your family.

I can tell you, there is a strange sense of wonder when you lay eyes on a bio relative that you resemble. There is an odd sense of continuity when you find some personality or physical traits that you don’t see in your adoptive family. But again, there are bio-related siblings who look nothing alike.

That’s not solely related to your adoption. It may be a tangible sign of your adoption, particularly if you’re of a different race than your adoptive family, but bio-related family members can also find themselves physically out of place.

Yes, you were adopted. Yes, you would like to create ties with biological family.

And maybe you’ll find that bio family, and it’ll make you feel that you finally belong. But you have to accept the possibility that you might not feel a connection. They might seem like strangers, or you might not click. You might start out getting along and then decide later, when the shine wears off, that you really don’t like them that much.

Biological ties are simply DNA connections. You might reinforce those ties with personal relationships, or it just might not work out that way.

So search – please, if you feel the drive to solve your puzzle, search for your biological family.

Find your DNA relatives if you can do so, and meet them. Get a better understanding of the people you came from.

But remember, please……

… you’re just as likely to be best friends with your adoptive sister.

… you’d be just as likely to search for more meaning in your life if you weren’t adopted.

… you’re just as likely to find that while you look exactly like your grandmother, your personalities couldn’t be more different and you really don’t get along with her at all.

Searching – and finding – biological relatives is fun and exciting and overwhelming. I would simply advise that you not set the bar too high.

Don’t go into it thinking that this relationship is going to fix all of the ways you’ve ever felt a misfit. Your bio relatives are just people, just like you. Hopefully together you can each make your stories more whole.